


Headlights, On Me

by athenaeums



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Gay Relationship, Gay Male Character, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-03 13:39:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenaeums/pseuds/athenaeums
Summary: The premise of Bram’s favourite friendship is simple: no locations, no ages, no real names.He thinks to when they started talking, when it was all tentative and new and secret, and remembers how easy those rules were back then. But now he’s staring at an Instagram post and trying his hardest not to click next… because he’s terrified he’ll find a location, an age and a real name.-AKA - Simon and Bram fell out in high school and never figured out they were Jacques and Blue...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Strawberries and Cigarettes' :)
> 
> I don't know what this is. I was thinking about what would have happened if Simon and Bram didn't know they were at the same school and didn't know it was each other and they continued emailing through college... and then this ended up happening? 
> 
> It's all written. I'm just editing the other parts but they will be up very quickly over the next week.

**Part One**

 

The premise of Bram’s favourite friendship is simple: no locations, no ages, no real names.

He thinks to when they started talking, when it was all tentative and new and secret, and remembers how easy those rules were back then. But now he’s staring at an Instagram post and trying his hardest not to click next… because he’s terrified he’ll find a location, an age and a real name.

He stares at _jacquesadit_ ’s dreamy visual of a park in the fog and tries his hardest to ignore the arrow on the right daring him to peek, take a quick look then erase the memory from existence. He’s not sure he was ever supposed to get this far, and he feels a little guilty knowing that Jacques probably didn’t mean to share the link, probably intended to just send the picture… but he’s here now.

“Shit!” he whispers as his hand slips and accidentally likes the photo. He frantically removes the like and hopes that there isn’t a notification because the last thing he wants is for _bl.greenfeld_ to actually mean something to the one friend he really can’t lose.

He considers changing his Instagram username, or deleting the profile altogether, before he thinks about Garrett and Nick’s incessant questioning about why he did it, or Leah pestering him for life updates every time they speak because she can’t just check in with him anymore… he draws up a quick mental campaign to encourage everyone to go on a social media detox.

As noble as his intentions may have been at the start, he eventually has to admit that he is a just a boy and one with a pretty big crush on Jacques. He slams his hand down on his desk, hovers the cursor over the arrow, squeezes his eyes shut and clicks it. Butterflies erupt in his stomach as he shuts the laptop lid before the page loads properly and dives on his bed, burying his face into the pillows. He plans to burn the laptop, hurl it from the window and only use the internet in the library now. He can’t open it without seeing, without knowing – maybe – who his friend is. He wonders if letting the battery drain would help, force his laptop to restart, but as he gets up to pull the cable out he remembers that his English paper is open and unsaved…

So, he’s screwed.

He lifts the laptop lid and seconds after seeing Jacques’ face grinning at him with a girl he knows all too well at his side, Bram begins crying. It’s involuntarily but streams are suddenly falling down his face.

This is an absolute disaster, he thinks.

-

College is great, for the most part. Bram spends his days listening to lectures about his favourite books, his evenings working in a bar, nights emailing Jacques and reading, reading, always reading…

But he feels sick to his stomach when he receives an email from Creekwood High School inviting him to a reunion one year on from graduation.

“ _This summer: catch up with everyone you never knew you missed!_ ” the email reads and he stifles an inelegant laugh-snort as he thinks about just how much he doesn’t miss high school. Not even a little bit. Leah immediately pops up on his screen demanding to know if he got it, what he thinks about it, is he going, is he going to tell anyone, does he think their whole group will attend…

But he closes it and logs off. He sometimes thinks that the only thing he dragged with him from high school was Jacques and now that he knows what he knows, it’s become even more hilarious. He pictures the school hall, the many lunches he had there with Garrett by his side, Nick, Abby and Leah all around and then Simon. Right in the middle of everything is Simon.

Bram immediately runs to the bathroom and throws up.

No, he thinks as he wipes his face clean and clutches at the sink, he can’t attend a graduation reunion. Not now.

He returns to his laptop, pulls up his browser and the tab he hasn’t dared to close for days. A high school version of Simon is grinning at him with Leah resting her head on his shoulder. “ _#tbt to early morning iced coffee runs with this one – miss you, love you_ ” reads the caption.

Jacquesadit, Bram thinks. Jacques a dit. Simon says. Very clever.

And just for good measure, he throws up again.

-

> _Do you remember Jacques?_

Bram types to Leah when he decides that it’s time to stop ignoring her.

> _Your high school email boyfriend?_

She answers almost immediately. It makes Bram smile. It also makes him concerned about her assignments and college attendance.

He thinks about how to phrase his next question – he can’t lead her into the answer he wants to hear but he doesn’t want to sway her the other way. But how does he ask if she always knew that it was her best friend and if she’s been lying to him for over a year now?

He feels a tiny pit of shame as he realises that he is accusing her, but he has to know.

> _Did you ever have any thoughts about who he could be?_
> 
> _I had a couple of ideas over the last year of high school but nothing confirmed. Why?_

He wishes that it could quell his discomfort, the feeling of unsettlement that’s made its home amongst his deepest fears and secrets. But it doesn’t.

> _Do you guys still talk?_

He glances across the screen to an email that he received just that morning and rubs his face with frustration, trying to refuse his eyes permission to well up. He hates his eyes. They rebel against him and he hates them. He finds himself crying before he can stop it. Jacques sits pretty in his inbox while Bram is breaking down and has been since the day he clicked the stupid Instagram link.

> _Yeah._

But he doesn’t elaborate. Now that he knows… now that he understands the very real irony that his best friend is also Jacques’ best friend, he has to tread carefully. He wipes his eyes and apologises to Leah, says he has somewhere to be but instead he opens the Instagram page once more and stares at Simon until he can’t see anymore.

-

Bram is in one of his postmodern literature lectures when he remembers how Simon used to make him feel. He’s staring at the back of some boy’s head, a guy with Simon’s hairstyle, as the lecturer drones on reminding him so much of Mr Wise. He should be taking notes but he’s struck by muscle memory, a feeling he hadn’t sought for nearly a year, as he turns his head back to try and catch someone’s eye but no one is there. He drops his pen with disappointment, feeling it like the rejection that was still a fresh wound, a papercut that never healed.

He wishes he could pay attention to what he’s supposed to be listening to – something about a woman’s role in a novel from the eighties – but he can’t stop feeling the butterflies that took flight the day he met Simon and never stopped, not even after last summer.

The truth he acknowledged long ago was that Simon was in every part of his life. He would never escape him. He knows this and yet he tries to let it go, he tries to focus on his lecturer, he tries to make his notes and do well and go to work and… scroll continuously through the years of _jacquesadit_ ’s Instagram that he’s missed out on until now.

His phone vibrates with an email notification. They no longer give him the same thrill. Instead, seeing Taylor Metternich’s name come up with _Reunion!!!_ in the subject field just makes him feel nauseated. He swipes the email to the side and watches it vanish. In the same swipe he manages to also temporarily block Leah because he loves her – but he can’t be talked into it.

Bram tunes back into his lecture, scribbles his notes and then, when class is over, dodges away from the guy with Simon’s hairstyle trying to stop him for a chat and makes his way to work. Yes, college is great. It’s the fresh start he wanted, the fresh start he needed. So why is he still hiding who he is? Why is he still succumbing to the allure of hiding in his room, behind a screen, pining for Simon Spier and thinking that this is all his life will be?

-

He’s working when a guy hits on him for the second time in his life. It had happened once and he was constantly trying to forget. He remembers the crush he felt when he realised everything he had ever wanted was being offered to him with a very short expiry date. He didn’t want to ever feel that again.

The guy is persistent, keeps trying to buy him drinks but he turns him down every time and only serves himself water. He takes a break when he starts getting pushy and hides in the back room.

He’s not out. His wills his heart to stop beating so fast when he thinks about how this random person, this one guy knew. Is he walking around with secret rainbows flashing from every pore, is his skin painted head to toe in pride flags, does he have a walk, is it just a look on his face, is it the way he cuts his hair, is it because his jeans are a little tight tonight…? While he tortures himself with everything, and knowing that deep down he doesn’t care because his resolve is stronger than his desire to be seen and felt and wanted, he checks his phone.

> _I’ve got you a ticket to reunion because it was either that or actually drive to Charleston to kill Taylor. Sorry._

He curses Leah and drops his phone back into his bag. The guy is gone by the time he’s back behind the bar, so he paints his smile back on and opens bottles and mixes cocktails and wonders what freak illness will be best to offer as an excuse by the time the reunion rolls around. He used to keep secrets, but he never lied. He blames Simon for this absolute annihilation of his character.

-

_Blue!_

_You’ve been quiet recently. Everything okay at college? I’m spending all my time cramming for finals before I get to go home for the summer – is it the same where you are?_

_Is it weird to say that I miss you?_

_I know we’ve been speaking for a long time and you’re always at the end of an email – but I miss you, y’know? I don’t know what you look like or your real name but you’re the one constant thing I have and I just hate thinking that you’re not doing good or pulling away… and please tell me I’m being dramatic here (as is my nature I suppose!)_

_Anyway_

_Sorry for that insane breakdown_

_I just really miss you – please come back soon. I’m not sure I can get through finals without you forcing me to work and stay up all night at the library._

_Here’s another photo btw – the sun looked real pretty coming through the blinds earlier._

_Can’t get through college without you!_

_Love, Jacques_

-

This time the picture is attached on its own – no links to Instagram profiles full of incriminating and compelling information. Bram tries not to feel disappointed. He supposes Simon didn’t drop the link on purpose – it was just the kind of absent-minded behaviour he should have expected.

Nevertheless, in an act of defiance, Bram likes a photo that Simon posted seven months ago from graduation and finally hits follow.

-

_jacquesadit is now following you_

-

He’s on another break from work when he finds a photo halfway through Simon’s Instagram. He’s dressed like John Lennon, staring straight into the camera while Leah leans up to blow a kiss in his direction as Yoko Ono.

Halloween. He feels the rhythm of the music pound in his head as he can’t pull his eyes from the image in front of him. It’s been so long but it still makes him feel like his heart is about to give out. His hands tremble as he zooms the image carefully so as not to accidentally like it. He zooms on Simon’s blank expression, lost and forlorn, and wonders if this is him acting or if this was after they had their fight. When he feels the urge to throw his phone away he decides that he’d rather not know.

-

Simon with his fake long hair and his fake glasses and his white suit and drink after drink after drink… all night long. Simon always in his peripheral vision. Simon singing karaoke. Simon, Simon, Simon. Until it wasn’t Simon – until it was a girl on top of him on his bed. A girl kissing him after the briefest of conversations – did he know her name? Probably not. Simon in the doorway, Simon staring at him – lost and forlorn – until he retreated.

Only Bram followed him – took off after him, left the girl in a pile on his floor, and threw himself in Simon’s direction before anyone could stop him.

“I thought you were different!” Simon had cried. “You’re not who I thought you were!”

It seemed the news was more devastating than Bram could have ever imagined it would be – they barely spoke, he saw to it. The most interaction they had was exchanged fries and everything they had done that evening. Why would Simon expect him to be anything else?

“I’m sorry,” Bram had tried. “I don’t know what you thought-”

“Nothing, clearly,” Simon was so drunk. Bram wanted to lead him to the kitchen, instead of standing on this landing. He thought about the bathroom but it was too late because Simon was crying. “I thought nothing, Bram. You’re just the same as the rest of them.”

“What are you talking about?” he was desperate to know now – how was this even happening?

“I just really wanted you to be different,” Simon mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands. “I thought that because I liked you, you wouldn’t be like Garrett or Nick or- well anyone, really.”

“Simon,” Bram felt sick. He didn’t know what to do. His heart was both swelling and stopping at the same time. His skin was crawling with the need to get the fuck out – get out of this conversation and this place before it all comes out. He gripped the banister and chanced a look at anyone lurking. “I’m-”

He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Simon about Jacques, like that would make it any better. He wanted to tell Simon that he understood, that he was gay too, that Simon was saying everything he had ever wanted him to say – sort of. But someone had cut his tongue off. Someone had glued his hand to the bannister so he couldn’t reach out. Someone had control of his facial expression which he could only assume was on the angry side of perplexed.

“Fuck this,” Simon’s voice was slurring. “Fuck all of this.”

By the time Bram felt his muscles loosen and his mechanisms firing back into operation, Simon was gone.

-

_Jacques,_

_I think I know who you are._

_Love,_

_Blue._


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

_Jacques,_

_I think I know who you are._

_Love,_

_Blue._

-

_Blue -_

_How is that even possible?_

_Love, Jacques_

-

_Jacques,_

_This is just as much of a shock for me, trust me._

_Love,_

_Blue._

-

_Blue – who do you think I am?_

_Please don’t pull away. If you’re right, we can deal with it and I won’t tell anyone who you are – I promise! Are we friends? Are you at my college? Please stay with me._

_All my love, Jacques._

-

_Jacques,_

_I went to your high school, Simon._

_Just give me some time, please._

_Love,_

_Blue._

-

_Blue…_

_Shit._

_Of course._

_I’ll be here when you’re ready._

_Love, Simon._

-

Seeing Simon’s name in print, seeing his fears finally confirmed, Bram lets himself break down the way he’s been preventing for a couple of months now. His end of year assignments and exams are over and he’s packing up to return to Shady Creek for the summer but instead of doing anything productive, he’s on the floor in his room, head in his hands and crying, reaching into his hair to grab handfuls. It was one thing to suspect it was Simon – but Jacques sending him an Instagram link always had endless possibilities. The fact that Simon has found his way back to Bram’s door by complete accident and by chance is nothing short of overwhelming.

He slowly packs his room into boxes and wonders if it would be rude to lock Simon in one of them forever.

-

“We’re meeting at Waffle House tonight,” Leah says as soon as he answers the phone. He’s barely been home for three hours and his entire week has already been scheduled. “Garrett and Nick will be there so make sure you put your friendly face on.”

“Like I have any other face,” he smiles anyway. “Okay – anyone else?”

“Simon and Abby aren’t home yet,” Leah says. “But they’ll be there next time.”

“Great,” Bram says, and he means it.

-

“Met any cute girls?” his mom asks when she gets home from work. She threw her arms around him for a brief second before moving to start preparing food. He knew this question might come up but it doesn’t lessen the sinking feeling dragging him down, or the way a gentle blush rises in his cheeks with the weight of whatever lie he feels compelled to tell next.

Or maybe enough is enough?

“Erm, no,” Bram starts. “Actually, mom, I-”

He stops, his tongue suddenly twisting into knots and blocking his airways. No, he thinks, not now.

“Cute girls aren’t really my thing,” he stumbles over his words and feels a cold sweat start to prick at his skin under his top that is suddenly way too small and way too hot for the season.

“Any cute boys then?” his mom asks without missing a beat, reaching for some spices to add to the pan.

He’s sure this is what being stabbed feels like – right between the ribs, winding his stomach and leaving him grasping for _anything_ to stay alive.

“Sure,” Bram whispers. “No one I’ve really been too interested in though.”

“With a whole year away from home? Honestly, Abraham,” his mom laughs.

“So,” he coughs and tries again. “You knew?”

“No,” his mom shrugs. “But it’s a logical guess when someone says cute girls aren’t their type and I know you’re not calling me stupid right now.”

“Absolutely not,” he laughs a little. “So, how’s work?”

And it goes like that.

-

“Greenfeld!”

Bram can’t help but smile as his once-upon-a-time best friend leaps from his seat to pull Bram into a hug and squeeze him until he can’t breathe.

“Hi,” he says when Garrett finally lets him go so he can address the table. Nick and Leah are both smiling back at him. Nick offers a small wave.

“I’ve ordered a round of waffles in honour of Simon and Abby who sadly could not be with us on this momentous reunion day,” Leah says with sobriety, but Bram can’t help but laugh.

“Who needs Taylor’s reunion anyway?” he grins, nudging Leah with his elbow as he slides into the booth next to her.

The mention of Simon’s name was only a small ache now and he wonders if he might finally be ready to deal with _it_.

“So, Bram,” Nick starts. “Are you still playing soccer?”

It goes like this until it’s time to leave. Leah walks him out and suddenly Bram is 17 again, crying in a parking lot lamenting where the events of his life and his secrets had left him.

“We can both be left out together,” Leah had said at the time, sitting down with him and gripping his hand.

As Nick and Garrett laughed and joked back to Nick’s car, pushing and shoving playfully in the way Bram used to, he feels the same sting.

“You’ve still got me,” Leah grabs his hand briefly, reading his mind as always.

“Good,” Bram smiles. “Because I just can’t turn up at that reunion without a date.”

“And then you’ll dump me afterwards?”

“Of course,” he grins.

He never expected it when he was at school. Leah had snuck up on him from nowhere when he felt like his world had ended. Sometimes he feels guilty, like he’s stolen her friendship from Simon and Nick, but mostly he feels grateful to have her. 17-year-old Bram is grateful to have her.

-

**_jacquesadit_ has sent you a message**

_Bram! How have you been? Are you home for the summer?_

-

Bram regrets every decision that led to him following Simon on Instagram. Through his story and the photos he is posting along the way, he can track his journey home with Abby to the town, the route, the coffee shops and with some trepidation he acknowledges that Simon will be within walking distance in no less than a day.

He thinks back a couple of years and remembers how that once would have made him ecstatic. Now he feels like he has a countdown clock ticking in his head, just waiting for the moment when he sees Simon again – when he has to tell Simon that he’s Blue – when his safe little bubble bursts and he’s left standing in the cold.

He reads Simon’s message again and thinks with some relief how nice it is that he doesn’t appear to be holding a grudge.

He refreshes his page and sees a selfie of Simon hanging out of the passenger window of the car – sunglasses on, sun casting a glow across his face, some light stubble and hair windswept. Bram longs to run his hands through it. Bram wants to touch his face and see if his skin feels as warm as it looks. He notices the straw hanging from Simon’s mouth and he dares to want it to be him instead.

_Road-trippin’ with Miss Suso #homewardbound_ is the caption. He’s near Charlotte. Which means he’ll be home tomorrow.

**_bl.greenfeld_ **

_Hi Simon. I see you’ve taken the scenic route back home. I’m sure Leah is organising a Waffle House night soon so maybe see you soon?_

It sounds so formal that Bram wants to scream. When did they become this? How did they get to this point from swapping lunches in the hall to stunted small talk?

He remembers prom and he remembers last summer and he wills his brain to just _stop_.

-

_Blue –_

_Saw this on my way home and thought of you <3_

_Love, Simon._

**Attachment:** giantoreocake.jpg

-

Being back in Shady Creek is like opening a time capsule Bram never wanted to see again. Everywhere he looks is a memory. He wanders up to Creekwood High with Leah to collect their reunion tickets but he’s surrounded by bad feelings and it’s choking him.

He remembers when he decided to pull away from Garrett because he couldn’t lie to him anymore, but he couldn’t come out. He remembers when the soccer season ended, and he realised he had no reason to continue forcing friendships he felt he couldn’t pursue honestly. He remembers when it all got too much, when Simon started mooning over Cal Price, and Bram ended up on the floor by his car drowning in despair and begging the universe to make the year end quickly and quietly. He remembers Leah finding him and their immediate friendship forging on feeling left out and absent, far out of the loop and rejected.

“Leah?” he asked as they approached the main hall.

“Yeah?”

“When is the next Waffle House night?” he asks, trying to be as discreet as possible.

Leah smiles and tells him.

He notes it in his mind and thinks about how he just wants his friends back… and what that’s going to cost. He’s not in high school anymore. He doesn’t have to care what anyone else thinks. He once only worried about losing Simon because to have him in his life in any capacity was better than nothing – but after a year without him, he knows he has nothing to lose.

-

A week later he’s crammed into another Waffle House booth, stuck in the corner with Leah while Nick, Garrett and Abby squash themselves in. He’s about to let his rainbow flag fly when the moment is taken from him at the same time the oxygen vacates his body.

Simon Spier stands at the foot of the table, staring at Bram, staring at Leah and Abby and Nick and Garrett, but back to Bram. And Bram can’t breathe. Jacques is before him. _Simon_ is before him. And suddenly, he’s silent and it’s high school all over again.

-

“Bram?” a voice asked him, once upon a time. He was sat at a massively over-decorated table playing with P, R, O and M shaped confetti and hoping beyond hope that his drink hadn’t been spiked by Leah. “Are you okay”

He looked up to see Simon stood before him, in his tux and hair styled back. He’d opted for the bowtie, but all Bram could think was that he wanted to be as close to Simon as the tie. He wanted to be there, nestled against his Adam’s apple and under his chin… but then he decided to actually pay attention.

“Yeah,” he said with a quiet smile. “I’m fine. Are you?”

“I just-” Simon stumbled over his words and Bram loved him. It. Bram loved the stumbling. Yes. “We’re all dancing and- you shouldn’t be over here on your own. Come on?” He held out his hand and Bram just stared at it.

“To dance?” Bram asked, struck almost speechless. “With you?”

It must have come out wrong because Bram immediately felt regret for the way Simon’s face just _fell_.

“Or everyone?”

“No, no, no,” Bram hastily tried to correct. “Sure. With you.”

He remembered feeling that this would be how he made up for Halloween…

He took Simon’s hand and didn’t let go until the song was over. He didn’t let himself think too much about it – if he only ever had those few minutes it would be enough. But it wasn’t until the next song started that he bothered to spot Leah dancing with Garrett not two feet away, Nick and Abby in the other direction, and there he was with Simon now holding onto his waist and staring at him with such intensity that Bram thought he might just kiss him.

“Bram,” Simon whispered, looking for a moment at Bram’s lips. “I-”

Bram’s face crumbled. He gently reached for Simon’s hands and grasped them to pull them off of him. “I’m not ready,” he said quietly, barely audible over the music, not even caring that he’d just outed himself to the boy he was sure would be the love of his life… he didn’t care. He felt hot and light-headed and starved of oxygen and he just _wasn’t ready_. So, he let go of Simon’s hands and walked away.

-

Bram arrives back in the present as Simon is squashing himself in next to Nick and realises that it’s pointless to stop now. He finds his voice after a mouthful of a milkshake and a bite of a waffle.

“So,” he starts, getting everyone’s attention one by one. “I just want to apologise for last year.”

“What?” Garrett asks, furrowed brow and a forkful of waffle halfway to his face.

“I had this secret that I didn’t think I could tell anyone,” he starts, trying to be brave but mostly just pushing his waffle around the plate. “But I don’t want to lie or hide anything anymore.”

Leah grabs his forearm and he dares to look at her encouraging smile. He doesn’t dare turn to look at the stare Simon is fixing him with.

“This reunion is going to be hell enough without having to lie my way through small talk,” he laughs gently but he feels like he should be sick. “So- I’m gay. And I have been for years. And- yeah. That’s about it actually.”

And then there is silence.

“Bram-” Simon finally whispers.

“So I guess that’s why I was such an asshole last year,” Bram tries to laugh, but he chokes and quickly sips his now-warm milkshake to make it stop.

“What are you talking about?” Garrett says, reaching across the table to grab at Bram’s hand. The contact tingles and Bram almost feels like crying. “We were all really worried about you. You weren’t an asshole, I just really missed you, man.”

Bram nods and tries not to make eye contact, but he’s hyper aware of the gaze from the end of the table. He notices Nick staring at Simon, and well that just figures really.

“So why now?” Simon finally asks, still barely blinking. “Are you seeing someone? Are they coming to the reunion with you?”

Bram laughs a little and Leah joins in. Thank goodness Leah joins in. His heart begins to race as he finally, _finally_ , dares to look at Simon and let himself see the feeling in his eyes. He’s confused, he’s hurt, he’s relieved?

“No,” Bram smiles. “I’m just ready now.”

-

_Simon,_

_I told you this the other day in person, but I’m ready. Are you still here?_

_Love,_

_Blue._

-

_Blue –_

_I want to see you. Now._

_Love, Simon._


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

“Do you think we have to like dress up, _dress up_?” Leah asks while Bram is fighting through his limited wardrobe for something a little classier than college studying chic. “Simon is wearing like a full suit – jacket and everything.”

“Is he?” Bram asks, a little breathless.

“Yep,” Leah, pops on the ‘p’ and stares at Bram until he turns around. “I bet he’s going to look really good.”

Bram fixes her with a look of his own before rolling his eyes. “He probably will.”

“I knew you still had a crush on him!” Leah yelps triumphantly, leaping from where she is laying on Bram’s bed to jump in front of him with a wild and manic look in her eyes. “I bet he still has one on you!”

Bram laughs it off before he stops. His heart stops. His breathing stops. He’s pretty sure he’s dead but he’s still upright and he’s still able to think – which is a shame, really.

“What?” he half-whispers. “He never had a crush on me.”

“Oh my god, Bram,” Leah’s face is a picture. “Cute Bram this and Cute Bram that and look at his legs and do you think he knows how distracting his eyes are and Leah, his voice is like silk…”

“What?” he’s higher-pitched this time. “What are you talking about?”

“That was every day after that asshole outed him,” Leah laughs. “That’s why I stopped coming to your soccer games. Simon mooning over you was borderline vomit-inducing.”

Bram feels momentarily and ridiculously bad for Blue for a second, but he mostly can’t believe he’s right here, in his high school bedroom, talking about boys with his friend like they never even left. And Simon Spier had a high school crush on him. His heart returns to its usual pace and he finally grabs at a shirt.

“This will go with those jeans, right?” he asks, pointing at a pair he threw over the chair earlier.

“It sure will,” Leah smiles approvingly.

-

_Blue –_

_I haven’t heard from you for a few days - are you going to the reunion tonight?_

_Love, Simon._

-

**_jacquesadit_ has sent you a message**

_Bram! Are you going to be at the reunion later? It would be great to catch up – I feel like we didn’t really get a chance to the other day. Let me know!_

-

**_bl.greenfeld_ **

_I’ll be there :) See you later._

-

Bram can’t believe Taylor has gone and done it but before his eyes is a twinkling ferris wheel and a few other carnival rides, glittering and whirring on the school grounds. This time, he’s not taking a step towards it.

He knew coming to the reunion was a bad idea. From start to finish, there was nothing good that could ever come of dragging himself through his past – memory to memory, disappointment to disappointment. How much of his high school life had been dominated by a secret he couldn’t tell and a love so unrequited it literally broke his heart? How much of that does he want to relive as he walks the halls to where the decorations are spilling from the double doors ahead like prom night all over again?

None of it. He wants to remember none of it.

He loves his friends, and he loves Simon, but he wants nothing to do with any of this.

But he looks down at Leah’s arm looped loosely with his as they waltz towards the room where it’s all happening, and he knows he has to do it. He has to bury these demons.

-

“Ferris wheel!” Abby cried, grabbing Nick’s arm and pulling him with their friends in good stead behind them. The Perimeter Mall had its annual Winter Carnival in town and they’d decided to go after school to cheer Simon up. It wasn’t Bram’s scene, but he saw the slight tremble in Simon’s hands, the way he was blinking faster than he needed to, the tired lines on his face from sleepless nights, and he knew that he had to be there for him. Because if Martin had outed him, if he’d found out about Bram first, he wouldn’t have survived it.

“I’m with Abby!” Nick called, running towards the wheel.

“Leah!” Garrett called. “Come on!”

“So I guess that leaves me and you,” Simon smiled, gesturing towards the wheel.

“Oh, I don’t know-” Bram started, looking at the very temporary and very rickety contraption that he was sure had his death in store… but a second too late, he realised Simon had taken it the wrong way.

“You can’t catch it, you know?” he had said quietly, but with his eyes fixed on the ground. “But it’s cool, I’ll go on my own.”

Bram felt like he might as well have pulled his own heart out and stomped on it.

“No, Simon!” Bram ran after him as he was already walking away. “I’m terrified of heights!”

It was a half-truth. He was absolutely petrified by the idea of being on the wheel. But in such proximity to Simon, with his messy hair and moon-grey eyes and friendly disposition, was even more terrifying. He’d never had the chance to be so close to him, somewhat purposefully, and now it was being forced on him… but now he had to do it.

“Oh,” Simon whispered. “I’m so sorry – we don’t have to do this!”

“Let’s go, let’s go,” Bram ushered them on before he could think about it anymore.

And when Simon’s trembling hand slipped into Bram’s halfway around and squeezed to remind him that he was there as Bram sat back with his eyes shut half-murmuring about needing to be sick, Bram thought he’d never feel as loved by Simon ever again. He squeezed back and grabbed their connected hands with his other hand. Simon moved their joined hands to his lap at some point, rubbing his thumb over Bram’s, gentle and soothing. Every cell on Bram’s hand tingled, sending goosebumps up his arm and over his body. His face flushed and when they finally stopped, he ripped his hand back and moved as far from the wheel as possible. He forced himself not to look at the hurt expression Simon had perfected across his face.

-

Bram’s life is catalogued by near-misses and lost opportunities. He wonders if this will be another one to add to his disappointing list as he spots Simon sitting at a table with Abby, and Leah was right – he looks beautiful. It takes herculean effort for Bram to look away. Bram wonders if Leah has slipped Taylor Metternich his depressing high school story as he looks around and realises he’s getting a do-over on so many events that shaped his decisions, his bad choices, his lost opportunities to love.

All except one.

He makes small talk and slips with ease into the guise of a person that is doing good, college is great thanks, no, there aren’t any special ladies in my life, actually I’m gay – that’s a new thing, if you’ll excuse me I have someone I need to speak to… and so on, and so forth.

It’s all so much easier when he realises that he just doesn’t care what any of them think anymore. He drifts back to the table Simon and Abby commandeered on arrival and finds the whole gang is there.

“Greenfeld!” Garrett exclaims, like he’s never seen him before. Like he does every time he sees him. “Where have you been?”

“Reuniting,” he quips and tips his drink to Garrett when he laughs dutifully.

But now he’s stuck. How does he get from Point A to Point B? How does he move from not speaking to Simon, probably ever, to letting him know that actually they’ve been in near constant communication for years? That they know each other better than anyone else could ever know them? That they’ve been falling in love… one day at a time?

How does he do-over the ferris wheel, prom, the English classes where he partnered with everyone except Simon, that one night before college started last summer… where does it all begin?

“Let’s do this reunion properly,” Nick says. “Let’s talk about the good ol’ days of just a year ago.”

“We all know what happened, we were all there,” Leah responds, puzzled.

Bram knows what he wants to say. What he needs to talk about. But with an audience? He’s not so sure.

“Alright,” Nick concedes. “What don’t we all know?”

“Huh?” Garrett tries to keep up.

“Secrets,” Simon suddenly chimes in. “He’s talking about secrets.”

“After you, Nick,” Abby grins, resting her head in her hand.

“Sure,” he smiles back. “So I had the biggest crush on Leah when we started high school.”

“What!” Leah shrieks, throwing her head back with a laugh.

“I always knew I was second best,” Abby laughs, reaching to hold Leah’s hand who categorically refutes the idea that Abby is second best to anyone, even Leah.

There's a tiny pause and Bram guesses it's his moment?

“I was emailing this guy from junior year onwards and erm,” he runs out of steam, but he has to keep going. “I guess he’s _like_ an online boyfriend? We still talk and stuff.”

The table is silent.

How many more times is he going to do this?

“And stuff? Bram, get it dude!” Garrett reaches up gleefully to receive a high-five which Bram decides to give him.

“We’ve never met,” he blushes. “But I think we will soon.”

Simon pushes his seat back and inhales sharply and… well he had to know, didn’t he? Bram is staring at him now, willing him to speak. Willing him to admit that he, too, had an online email boyfriend… but Simon is silent, just staring, just shaking.

There's a buzz of noise around as everyone is chattering excitedly about Bram's secret boyfriend - but all he can hear is Simon breathing. In. Out. Rattled and shallow at the same time. Until Leah cuts through it.

“Is this Jacques?” Leah asks, excited. “Please tell me it’s him!”

Bram nods with a smile he just can’t bury but now Simon is tearing up, his eyes are full and he’s going to break… and suddenly Bram thinks of a thousand different ways he could have clarified this for him.

Because he remembers too late that he’s had months to come to terms with this – Simon has had two minutes. He remembers how much of a big deal it was when he went through Simon’s Instagram account, but Simon hasn’t had that chance. He remembers how it made him sick but also happy but then sad… and Simon hasn’t experienced any of that.

The game continues – secrets are swapped, and drinks are consumed, and Bram is tapping Simon on the shoulder and gesturing to him to follow as he leads them out to a bench under the ferris wheel. By some miracle, Simon follows.

“All I’ve been thinking all week is: _please let me be right, please_ ,” Simon starts when it becomes clear that Bram has lost the ability to speak. “That email said you’d told me in person and I didn’t want to believe it until you could confirm it.”

Bram stays silent.

“So can you?” Simon asks. “Confirm it?”

Bram takes a deep breath and he hadn’t realised he was starving for oxygen until now.

“I’m Blue,” he says quietly. “And you’re Jacques.”

“I am,” Simon agrees.

And Bram might have had months to process this turn of events but it’s like the gates to a whole new life have opened only it’s wrapping around his middle and trying to get him there faster than he’s ready to. One step at a time, he reminds himself.

“This is really weird,” Bram eventually says when he feels like the silence is more suffocating than his own fear of saying the wrong thing. “I’ve known that you’re Jacques for a while but it’s still hard to marry that with everything that happened last year.”

“What?” Simon snaps his head around so fast that Bram is amazed it’s still attached.

“You know,” Bram says but he’s starting to doubt himself.

“I’m not sure I do,” Simon says slowly. “All I do know is that I really, really liked you but I never got anything back. I-”

He cuts off and it only occurs to Bram now that Simon’s experiences were clearly not the same as his. They were always looking through different lenses, travelling on opposite tracks…

“It was just so hard after Martin told the school about me,” Simon continues. “I thought I’d lose everything, but I also started looking into everything really hard.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like the day at the carnival – you were scared of heights, but I assumed you were disgusted with me,” he clarifies. “Stuff like that, I guess.”

Bram takes a deep breath. It’s now or never.

“I’m sorry I didn’t step up at Halloween,” he sighs. “You were so drunk but I was so scared. I wanted to tell you I felt the same but I could barely remember who I was let alone how I felt.”

I love you, I love you, I love you, he thinks. He knows how he feels now. He knows it’s how he’s always felt.

But once again he’s suffocating on his own words.

“Halloween was a mess but I never hated you for that, Bram,” Simon reaches over to hold his hand. The action sends a jolt down Bram’s spine and makes him sit up a little.

He’s spent many nights thinking about what it would be like when he heard Simon’s perspective of that night, if he ever got the chance to again. Bram has always known that Halloween was the beginning of a downward spiral, an event that triggered every fuck up, every horrible misstep, every repressed action that led to his fresh start at college. But to hear that Simon never actually hated him for it, that he built that up in his own head, just destroys him.

He can feel his soul piecing back together at the same time as his heart breaks.

He thinks about last summer, the night before college, and he hates himself. He hates Simon a little bit too.

“Can we talk later?” he says quickly before he has a breakdown. “I need to think.”

“Oh,” Simon lets go of his hand and Bram feels like throwing his whole body into Simon’s arms. “Can I text you?”

-

_Bram –_

_I guess we need to work on talking face to face but you’re not replying to my Instagram messages and there are a few things I didn’t say the other night so I’m going to say them now because somehow this keyboard and screen makes me brave:_

_(I feel like this might ruin the sanctity of whatever this email account is but whatever this situation can’t get any weirder…)_

  1. _I’m so happy you’re Blue – like seriously, deliriously happy (college is improving my vocab!)_
  2. _I’ve had a crush on you since the first day I met you – you’re easily the hottest guy I’ve ever known or met and I can’t believe how lucky I was to get to sit with you everyday and just be near you – y’know? That sounds crazy but honestly..._
  3. _The day Martin outed me should have been the worst day in the world but it was the best because I don’t know if you know this but it was the first time you emailed me? Can you imagine how fucked up it was to be half in love with you as Bram but also falling for Blue? I think my brain is still having a hard time coping._
  4. _I just need to clarify again – I don’t hate you for Halloween. I was devastated, but I don’t hate you. I never have and I never will._
  5. _I’m sorry about the carnival._
  6. _I have zero regrets about prom. I’m sorry but I don’t. I wanted to dance with you and you said yes and we had a great time. Did you think I was going to kiss you in front of everyone? I wanted to – so bad – but I never would have done that, Bram. I loved that we got to dance – that made my night. I regret that you were upset though – that’s why I came to see you in the summer, with Nick? I hated living with not knowing what it would be like… but that is something I do regret._
  7. _I’m so, so sorry for last summer._
  8. _I really want to be with you._
  9. _I really, really want to kiss you and hold you and_ really _get to know you…_
  10. _I… well that can wait until I see you. Please let me see you. Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there._



_So… I’m just putting that all out there because I’ve spent so long wondering what the hell happened at prom and at your house and I’ve spent way too many hours stalking your Instagram hoping for a selfie to pop up because I’m always going to like you, Bram. You’re always going to be the hottest guy in school and it turns out, you’re sort of the love of my life._

_I’m sorry if this is too much. I’m also not sorry. I don’t want to upset you, but I do want you. A lot. Just do me a favour and think about it…_

_All my love and kisses (hopefully!) and rail tickets between Princeton and New York for the rest of college, I guess…_

_Simon._


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four**

 

The last thing Bram expected to see was Simon Spier on his doorstep the day before he was due to leave for college for the first time. His car was packed with all the essentials, his room was mostly empty, and he just had one more night before the long drive to Princeton (four hours to Savannah to stop-over at his dad’s, six hours to Richmond to stay over with a family friend and then the final five hours to Princeton – why he couldn’t just fly and get his mom to courier his stuff to him, he didn’t know).

Simon was shuffling behind Nick, looking anywhere but at Bram while Nick explained that they were there to see him off – a little early, but to say goodbye. Simon happened to be with him when Nick struck gold on this idea and so he was dragged along. He did greet Bram enthusiastically though, when he walked through the door, and he seemed to forget his awkwardness by the time he made it to Bram’s room where Bram was picking out the last of the books he wanted to take.

All in all, it wasn’t bad. They laughed and joked and had a few moments of sobriety when they really thought about what was starting to happen with their little group. But it couldn’t stay that way forever.

“Shit,” Nick said, checking his phone. “I’ve got to go!”

“What’s wrong?” Simon asked, curious.

“I’ll tell you later, I’m so sorry, I’ve got to run!” he said and then he was gone with nothing more than a “Talk to you soon, Bram!” as he left through the front door.

Bram hadn’t spoken to Simon since prom, a few months ago. He felt his heart sink into his stomach at the realisation of what had happened.

“He was my ride home,” Simon laughed quietly. “I can probably get an Uber-”

“Don’t!” Bram said, too quickly to be subtle. “I mean, I could use some help with the rest of this stuff if you’ve got time?”

It was terrifying, being around someone that knew about him. Simon couldn’t have known a lot because Bram had seen to them barely speaking at all over the past year, but he knew the most important thing. Bram had outed himself to the one person he knew he couldn’t have and then received only silence. He was scared and alone and more than anything he thought this would be a good time to have Jacques on speed-dial. But he couldn’t even bring himself to do that. College would be a new start, a fresh start, a chance to press restart. A chance to get over Simon Spier. Who was dragging his hands along the spines of his books and Bram swore he could feel the featherlight touch on his own spine.

Once Bram made a show of putting the last two boxes in his car, that he really needed no help with at all, he ordered a takeout pizza and sat himself down next to Simon on his bedroom floor.

“Are you excited about college?” Simon asked, nudging his shoulder.

“I guess,” Bram sighed. “I’m excited about the course but I don’t know how good I’ll be at meeting new people.”

“You’ll charm them,” Simon smiled.

“Did I charm you?” Bram asked, offering a smile back before he realised what he just said and yep, that’s why he can’t talk to Simon. That’s why he needed to get away from Simon.

Luckily, Simon laughed.

Unluckily, Simon saw it as an opening for a further discussion on all their awkward events over the past year. He started with:

“What happened at prom?” he asked, catching Bram’s eye and refusing to look away.

“I-” Bram started. “I had a great time.”

“I saw you sitting on your own and it wasn’t right, you know?” Simon explained. “I just wanted to make you smile. Did I do that?”

“Yes,” Bram whispered as the front door bell rang.

He finally inhaled, a breath he never knew he was holding, as he moved as quickly from Simon as he could. He thought about ordering the Uber for Simon himself but he just couldn’t. No matter his resolve, no matter his inability to just come out and be honest with a boy that was already halfway to the truth, he couldn’t lose him for the brief moment he had him.

He returned to the room with pizza but Simon was standing, waiting for him. As Bram put the pizza down on the desk, Simon made his way over and reached for one of his now-free hands. Bram gave it willingly.

“I’m not imagining this?” was all Simon said, posed as a question he didn’t want answered, before he leaned in and Bram – Bram had no idea what to do. He was drowning in hope and crippled with fear at the same time.

His mind warred with his body but it was too late. He was already leaning into Simon and meeting his lips halfway. The second he pressed his lips to Simon’s, and Simon reciprocated, he finally understood fireworks. He had never doubted the chemistry he felt with Simon, the way his skin tingled and his stomach was a-flutter whenever he was near but the explosions erupting from his hands and toes and fingertips and everywhere was something he could have only dreamed of feeling. Instinct told him to reach for Simon’s waist and ease him closer, but it was the fatal blow. His fireworks were extinguished as Simon stepped back, panic and shock all over his face, colour drained and god, he was shaking.

Bram blinked but Simon was gone.

And he didn’t hear another word from him until _jacquesadit is now following you_ appeared on his screen almost a year later.

Bram had wondered if heart ache was a real thing or if he just overexerted with the boxes. He rolled his eyes when he realised that the only feeling he _could_ pinpoint was nausea and the only sensation he could register was the ghost of Simon’s breath on his lips.

-

Bram feels his face heat as he reads Simon’s, Jacques’, email. It has always been one thing for him to wonder if Simon felt the same or if he would ever have a real, meaningful relationship with Jacques but to read Simon so boldly tell him that he wants to kiss him and hold him and… that’s something else he doesn’t let himself think about often.

But now he knows and it’s all he can think about.

He remembers last summer and it hurts, he thinks it will always hurt - his first kiss with a boy, his first kiss with _the_ boy, just taken and gone without so much as a 'goodbye'. But the memory doesn’t claw its way out of his chest anymore, leaving his heart a bloody mess on the floor. It aches, but mostly it haunts him. He feels Simon’s soft lips like a vision, a premonition, a hope for something in the future and he can’t stop feeling it until he gives in and realises that he needs to see him.

He’s been deeply unhappy.

He’s been unsettled.

And for what?

-

_Simon,_

_Why did you run out on me?_

-

No.

-

_Simon,_

_Have you been haunted by that kiss too?_

-

No.

-

_Simon,_

_Do you want to come over on Friday?_

_Love,_

_Bram._

-

Simon arrives promptly on Friday, when Bram’s mom is on a night shift, with a box of Oreos and an absurd Valentine’s Day card.

“What. Is. That?” Bram sighs, pointing at the obnoxious, heart-shaped card Simon is hiding his grin behind.

“That is from Jacques,” Simon explains, inviting himself into the house and setting down his impromptu gifts on the side. “Everything he’s been dying to tell you since day one, really. The Oreos are from me.”

“Simon-” Bram starts.

“I know,” Simon grabs Bram’s shoulder as he walks past. “Relax.”

They pick at a frozen pizza that Bram reheats and they pretend to watch an episode of the _The Bachelor_ but when Bram realises he’s spent more time wondering if he’s imagining the magnetic pull of Simon’s hand resting on the couch just inches away, he knows he needs to do something – even if it ends up hurting him. What else does he have to lose at this point?

“So,” Bram turns towards Simon with a smile. “How freaked out are you that we’re Jacques and Blue?”

Simon sighed in relief. “Like, so freaked out. How on earth did this happen?”

“I had no idea you were even from Georgia,” Bram laughs. “Your blog post was so relatable, I had to talk to you.”

“Your first email really saved me that day,” Simon admits, sombre in his tone. “I never said anything about it but you must have read Martin’s email, right?”

Bram recalls the email outing Simon like yesterday. First, because it felt like he had been stabbed in the stomach several times in a row. But secondly, because it inspired him to reach out to the blogger that spoke every word of Bram’s language before he ended up in a situation where he was being outed and had no one to turn to – just like Simon.

“How did he even find out?” Bram asks, leaning his head back on the couch and studying Simon’s perfect profile.

“I left my phone unlocked one rehearsal,” Simon explained. “He went through it like the asshole that he is and found my Twitter account – my really, really gay Twitter account. So he took photos of it all and held it to ransom.”

“For what?” Bram feels sick. He feels so, so sick. Knowing Simon was outed and feeling sympathy for that and trying to be there was one thing but to be blackmailed so callously made his heart hurt. It made him wonder how hard it must have been for Simon to put himself forward to Bram – only to be rejected time and time again.

“Abby,” Simon laughed. “He actually thought that I could convince Abby to be into him instead of Nick. So obviously that didn’t work and here we are.”

“So what constitutes a ‘really, really gay’ Twitter account?” Bram shoves at Simon playfully, willing his sadness to go away, willing Bram’s nausea to vacate, to change the subject and bring this back to where he wants it: in a forward trajectory towards a resolution where he gets to kiss Simon for hours and take him out to dinner tomorrow night.

They talk for a while, through Simon showing Bram his secret Twitter to Bram admitting he has one too, to anecdotes from college, misread signals through high school and just as Simon turns in his seat to face Bram, leans his head against the back and is mere inches away, just as Bram’s eyes settle on Simon’s lips and it’s happening-

“Why did you run away?” Bram asks, voice barely above a whisper.

And to his surprise, and mild horror, Simon laughs.

“I’m so sorry,” he continues to laugh. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because I’m such an idiot.”

Bram gestures for him to continue and temporarily ignores the ache that is spreading across his chest.

“I had all these plans that day,” Simon starts. “I was going to decide between you and Blue so I went with Nick to see you – I thought I was right about you liking me although I knew I’d have to wait for you.

“But the minute we kissed all I could think about was Blue – was I betraying him? Would he find out I kissed a boy that wasn’t him? Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him and oh my god I’m leading Bram on – and then I froze and ran.”

Bram is just staring at him, nothing on his face because there is nothing in his heart but shock.

“I’ve tortured myself for a year,” he says quietly. “I’ve hated you for a year! Because you thought you were cheating on me with me-”

“Pretty much,” Simon’s whisper is strained but it’s there.

“I thought you were using me!” Bram exclaims. “Like I was some sort of failed experiment!”

This time Simon stares at him blankly. Eventually they talk through “ _was I not obvious last year?_ ” to “ _I was so scared to be myself_ ” and land on “ _this whole thing is a disaster_ ” and throughout it all, Bram can feel them repairing – stitching themselves together to make a whole and resolve the miscommunication, the assumptions, the outright rejections, to make something new that they can build on. First, friendship. Then, love. It should have always been as simple as that.

But as Bram finally looks at Simon and feels butterflies again, wants nothing more than to feel his skin against him, or to kiss him until he forgets the past couple of years exist, he just wants to move forward and as fast as possible.

“I really want to kiss you,” Simon admits when Bram thinks they might finally have settled everything.

“So do it,” he responds.

And when Simon’s face is inches from his own, he realises there is one flaw in this whole situation, one thing they haven’t ironed out.

“There isn’t anyone else?” he whispers. “At college?”

“No,” Simon whispers back. Bram can feel it tickle his lips and he doesn’t even care what else Simon has to say… “No one but you, Blue.”

“I can’t believe you just said-” Bram starts to complain but he’s stopped by Simon’s lips on his and honestly, Bram thinks he’d rather never speak again than lose this feeling, lose this boy half-sitting in his lap and kissing him like he’s the only person he sees.

The butterflies are long dead and in their place is a soft glow, a warmth that is spreading through his body and erupting where his fingertips dare to touch – Simon’s face, his neck, through his hair, his chest, down to his waist. Bram touches and touches and touches him and Simon doesn’t run away – he stays where he is, pulling Bram closer and closer until they’re almost one person.

It’s what Bram has dreamed of for years and it still manages to exceed his expectations.

He wants to tell Simon that he loves him. He wants to tell him that he forgives him even though there isn’t anything to forgive.

“So,” Bram starts. “How much are the train tickets between Princeton and New York?”

Simon just laughs and pulls him in again.

-

**_Bram Greenfeld_ ** _is in a relationship with **Simon Spier**_

-

> _What the fuck, Bram?!?!?!?!_

_What’s up?_ Bram replies to Leah, barely concealing the laugh that escapes him as he imagines Leah’s tantrum.

“What is it?” Simon asks groggily as he wakes up next to Bram, the morning before they are both returning to college for their second year.

“Leah,” Bram laughs and shows him the message.

> _At least Simon had the decency to tell me but I had to find out from you through Facebook… which you haven’t even updated in years! If I thought you’d care I’d block you!!!_

“When did you tell her?” Bram shoves Simon’s head off of his chest in indignation.

“Like a week ago,” Simon yawns.

“Okay,” Bram concedes. “But we only spoke about this yesterday?”

“Yep,” Simon flashes him a grin and makes a show of curling back into Bram’s side, resting his head on his chest and nuzzling under his chin.

_We only had The Talk yesterday! Sounds like Simon jumped the gun – sorry!_ he replies.

> _That’s actually kind of adorable. You know I’m happy for you but please nominate a spokesman for future announcements._

_Noted. Maybe we’ll hire someone._

Bram places the phone back on his bedside table and pulls Simon closer, squeezing him as tight as he can. When Simon squeezes him back gently, he relaxes and lets himself drift back off to sleep.

-

_Blue –_

_You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to send a Valentine’s Day card to but I’m sorry this one is late._

_This is more just a card for you to note important things and never forget them because honestly, have you seen this card? Who would ever forget this card?!_

_We had some rules when we started emailing – no real names, no locations and no ages – but I think they’re completely null and void now._

_So hi – my name is Simon Spier. I’m 19 and I attend NYU. I live in Manhattan with some roommates and my friend, Abby, lives nearby too which has been pretty awesome so far._

_Here is some important information I found that you might not know:_

_\- Did you know that if you get a train from Penn Station and travel approximately an hour and a half into New Jersey, you might find a little place called Princeton?_

_\- Did you know that I get most Friday afternoons off and I start late in the mornings on Mondays? (someone is truly looking down on me blessing me with this schedule)_

_\- Did you know that all I’ve ever wanted was to know who you are, to know where you are, so I could visit you all the time?_

_\- Did you know that finding out who you are was like the single greatest discovery in the history of the universe? Honestly. Like… NASA confirmed it._

_Happy July Valentine’s Day, Bram! Just wait for February’s card…_

_All my love,_

_Jacques_

-

Bram is working another evening shift at the end of his second week back at Princeton when a guy approaches the bar. Bram thinks he recognises him – maybe he was a regular customer? It’s only when he starts hitting on him that he remembers.

Only this time he doesn’t freeze.

He smiles, wipes down the bar and accepts the guy’s offer of a drink – still just water though. He returns the guy’s drink with a polite “ _I have a boyfriend_ ” and blushes a little when he receives a once-over and an “ _of course you do_ ” in response. There’s a lightness to the exchange that Bram knows would never have been there before. A whole year pining for Simon and Jacques left him empty but heavy – weighed down by the toll of his secrets and the words he couldn’t bear to say out loud.

He glances to the end of the bar where Simon is smirking mischievously, playing with the straw in his drink. He’s free now because its easier when he has a hand to hold or a mouth to kiss or a body to hug and learn. It’s easier when he has Simon.

They return to Bram’s dorm when his shift is over, dutifully vacated by his over-accepting roommate who will not stop talking about how awesome it is that Bram is gay and how totally cool he is with all of it, and continue their summer. Bram hopes their summer vibe never leaves. He hopes the warmth of the sun stays in their skin, keeps them a-glow. He hopes his heart never settles and Simon’s freckles never fade. He hopes every time he slides his hand across Simon’s body, he’s tracing sunbeams through the blinds and sweat from the Georgia summer heat.

Those things will never leave, he knows this. He fell in love with a boy over a long period of time but he truly stumbled headfirst into love with Simon in a matter of a few hot, hazy days and he wouldn’t trade it for anything. He watches him while he sleeps in his tiny single dorm bed and tries to think about how on earth he ended up here and slowly teaches himself to deserve it and understand that he already does.

-

When Simon leaves, on the promise of Bram visiting New York in two weeks, Bram flicks through his boyfriend’s Instagram page and notes a sly new addition that he immediately likes.

“ ** _jacquesadit:_** _i’m done with #tbt. here’s every day for the rest of my life if i’m lucky. i love you @bl.greenfeld_ ” is written under a selfie they took over the weekend. Simon is laying in Bram’s bed, fall sunshine washing over him as they snuggle under the blankets and sheets. Bram is grinning into Simon’s neck, resting his chin on his shoulder and they’re so at peace it’s unbearable.

Bram falls back on his bed with a soft smile.

He’s blissfully happy.

He’s settled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and for sharing your thoughts and comments - I love reading them so much and I love the discussions they can inspire! <3 Hope you've all enjoyed this random little journey!


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